The Scorpions Sting

Well that shook all of our faith. Nige’s cancer has grown again.

Apparently the full moon was in Scorpio the day we received this news. And boy did it sting.

Dark despair, anger and confusion followed. This has led us to the reality we didn’t want to face – it is even more uncertain now that Nige has the possibility of being cured. The usual rants ensued, why us, it’s not fair, I’m sick of this etc etc. We are not extraordinary after all.

But we mustn’t give up. Although we drag our feet and shuffle with the burden of fear, there is no other choice in our eyes – we must carry on and keep on trying.

Conversations go round and round, spinning faster and faster, skirting around the same point. We are back to square one, potentially even further back, and must deliberate over Nige and our children’s lives all over again.

Again, we know the chemo will probably extend his life, but to what degree of quality? On the other hand it seems crazy to carry on as we are, we have already established that repeating patterns that don’t work is madness.

We are at an even bigger tipping point than before, Nige could go downhill fast without extreme treatment. But with chemo as his treatment, we know for sure he will become weak, bald, nauseous, even poisonous.

What would I do if I were him? I cannot honestly answer this question, and don’t feel like I should. But on the other hand why should Nige suffer the terrible responsibility of this decision alone?

Do we have regrets? No I don’t think so. There is no way our family could have had the experiences and adventures we have had if Nige had continued on with chemo. And at the end of it all, the outcome may well have been the same. We shall never know. But we’ve made our decisions with eyes wide open and will not second-guess or place blame. It is our journey, our path, our reality.

I hadn’t really cried since we heard the bad news, and it was a Brussel sprout that undid me. I peeled off the top layers of not one but two of the little buggers, only to find they were rotten and eaten away underneath. And it was just so f*&#$n unfair. I had bought them in good faith. I felt lied to, cheated. This was not how dinner was supposed to go. Then Nige came over and told me to keep going, the rest would be okay. And they were. So we’ll just be grateful for the ones we have, and get on with it.

It’s not bloody over yet.