Today is my birthday, and all I want is for Nige’s cancer not to have spread beyond his lungs. In truth I want far more than that, I want him completely healed, but I’ll take what I can get. It’s funny how your priorities change. He has a PET scan today. It will tell us the true extent of his cancer, how much and where it is. I am terrified that his body will light up like a Guy Fawkes display, and reveal secrets we don’t want to know. But we must know, we must face this with truth and trudge on.
Sometimes I feel so weary it’s like I’ve already lived 80 years, at other times I am a child, scared and unsure of what to do, searching for a more adult, adult, to take over. The scenario is familiar yet so incredibly different. How did my father cope as my mother lay ill with ovarian cancer? I am in awe. And he is still here for me now, always there comforting and assisting. An amazing man. As are all the incredible people in our life.
We saw a specialist in Auckland last week, to find out once and for all what was going on with Nige’s tumour and what could be done. It was a successful if very frank meeting, with an overall positive outcome, but a real motivation to get things started as soon as possible. Nige has a Pericardial Effusion, basically fluid around his heart that more than likely contains cancer cells. If this surrounding fluid grows too much, there will be no room for his heart to pump, and well you get the picture. But there are things that can be done, fluid can be drained, the cancer treated, it is not all lost hope. But we must act now.
The good news is, Nige can receive a different, and better chemo privately than he can publicly. One that is more targeted to his type of cancer – adenocarcinoma. One that has shown good results. The downside is the cost, but what price do you put on a life? The father of two amazing kids, the husband of one spectacular wife (LOL). The brother, son, son-in-law, brother-in-law, uncle, nephew, grandchild – and friend to so many. If we truck on with this and support with all his natural treatments, I truly believe we can make a difference. We would love to have avoided chemo, but as they say it is “crunch time” and I don’t have it in me to gamble on my man’s life. I wish my faith was that strong, but there comes a time where you must listen to those in the know. And the difference is, I trust this doctor. He doesn’t fob off my questions or make up replies, he admits it if there is something he doesn’t know. He is a lung cancer specialist and has access to the best available treatments in NZ, as well as contacts overseas. I need to put my faith in someone, we can’t stumble down this road alone forever. And by alone I don’t mean without support, it’s just that there is no clear path when you are following alternative treatments. No-one to call in the middle of the night when you suspect a negative reaction. No one that can tell you for sure what you are doing is right or wrong, and what may or may not work. I admire those who continue down this path without fear, their self-conviction must be incredibly strong.
So there we are, an update on the situation, with much more to come. I will try to keep everyone informed as best I can over the coming days. I am also dying to tell you all more about Bali – that story kind of got cut short, but it is well worth writing about the rest of our experiences, and I hope you will enjoy reading about them.
As I sit here, on my 41st birthday (crikey how did I get that old?!), I am amazed at how grateful I still am, for everything I’ve had and have. Nige is in good form today, his energy and sense of humour high and intact. It will be a good birthday. Because he is HERE. And that is truly all I need.